I Only See Me

​Yes, I can be pretty narcissistic. Not sometimes but most of the time.

I know I don’t write that good but I still write. I even find myself appreciating my own writing sometimes. I’m not very good at drawing and painting yet I keep on doing it and I also find myself liking my own creations. I’m not a very good ainger and I don’t play the guitar well yet I enjoy listening to myself play and sing.

I always talk about myself on social media. I talk about how funny, corny, ridiculous and stupid I am and sometimes, how I think I’m getting better at stuff.

It looks like I only see myself, my own pain and suffering. And when I’m having trouble about life and other stuff, it’s also myself that I see. Why is it so hard to find a friend whom I can tell whatever to? Is it me or is it just me or me or me or me or me? I don’t mind being on my own. I love my own company. I prefer being alone. But because I’m human, I need other human beings too. I like listening but I don’t feel like anybody can listen to me and actually hear what I’m trying to say. Is it just me or me or me or me or it’s just really me?

Yes, I only see myself and I don’t like it.

Meet me in the Middle

Most of the time
I don’t go to the left or the right
It’s simple
I don’t know where to go
But I can go zigzagging if I like
I can be like a falling leaf
Getting carried by the wind
Goes wherever it will take me
Free to go that way
Then at the rarest times
When eyes are watching
Their ears exposed
And mouths are waiting for their chance
I choose between the left and the right
It’s lucky when there’s another way
I’d go for that
Free to get carried away
Free to go my own way
Both ways can hurt
Whether I’m going with the wind
Or at the direction of my own feet
I know I have to be ready
To stand up
For whatever choice I make
Coz I know
I can never go back
Sometimes I pause
Rest for a while
Or for a very long time
Coz sometimes making a choice
Or a decision
Is torture
That’s how it is
When you’re born in the middle
And stayed in the middle
And oftentimes
I wouldn’t know how to get to you
But if somehow
You really want to be close
Meet me in the middle
Maybe I’ll meet you half-way
Or we can go on our own ways

What I’m Trying to Figure out Right Now

We all spend time trying to figure things out, finding ourselves, and trying to be content/successful. I’ve figured out some things in my life, I guess, I’ve tried to understand myself before but I don’t think I was successful with that.

I’ve stopped trying to understand myself. I’ve started trying to understand other people and it only makes me feel like an alien. I don’t even understand why I spend so much time trying to figure out other human beings or why humans act the way they do. I’ve spent so much time for that that I guess I’ve wasted some of my time.  Today, I thought that maybe, the reason why I still don’t understand humans and why I have a hard time understanding their actions is because I don’t even understand myself. So maybe I have to go back to that. But then again, I’ll be wasting some time from too much thinking. I know that a person has to look at his/herself sometimes and judge herself instead of other people. I think there are points in our lives when we have to do that to know whether we have become better or to know the things we should do better. Isn’t that one of the reasons why we study history? I’m still pondering on self-evaluation though. How much time should we spend on it? How often should we do it? Sometimes I even wonder if it’s necessary. So while I am writing this, I haven’t actually figured these things out. Sometimes I write to figure things out but it doesn’t always work. It’s probably because there are things we’ll figure out after experiences that will make us better. Life’s the best teacher, right?

So I haven’t fully understood myself but I don’t want to worry all the time. There’s one thing I know that I know almost everyone knows and that’s nobody’s perfect. I’m not perfect but I’m fine and I don’t want to hate myself just because I have more flaws than other people. I’ll worry when the time to worry comes. Right now I want to free myself from one of the many sandbags that weigh me down.

Sometimes I worry that I am wrong about what I think at the moment like right now, I may be wrong about what I wrote. I am not an optimist but I’d like to think that I won’t be wrong forever. I’m not contented about everything in my life right now. That sounds like bad news but the good news is, I don’t want to be like that for the rest of my life. Now I feel a little bit better.

Discovered

A girl was writing in a very dark room
When suddenly the door opened
And the light came in,
Too much of it,
It was blinding.
In the dark room where she wrote,
There’s not a single window.
There’s only that door.
She knew she couldn’t escape,
Her fright swallowed her whole.
Someone’s finally aware,
Someone found out about
The little things inside of her
That she never wanted to tell
To anybody else
But couldn’t contain,
So she wrote it somewhere else.
She didn’t know what to do,
But she realized
That she just have to
Learn to accept herself
And her feelings even more
‘Cause they’re as real as her
She also has to be
Stronger than she already is
And so she faced
The fear of being discovered.

The Anxiety of Meeting Someone like Yourself

When people say that I should talk to someone ‘cause they’re sure we’d get along, I feel anxiety instead of excitement. I think being excited is the ‘normal’ reaction. It is, isn’t it? But I just can’t help but be nervous that sometimes I’d be glad to miss the chance to meet that person.

To try to understand myself, I wrote this. Writing is usually my way of trying to understand myself. I do it more often than consulting or talking to other people. As I’m writing this, I slowly begin to come up with reasons why I’m anxious when I might meet someone they say is a lot like me. One of the reasons I thought of is: it’ll let me know how someone close to me sees me. He/she wouldn’t say that that person he/she wants me to meet is a lot like me if he/she doesn’t see me in that person. I’m afraid that I might meet someone whom I don’t think is just like me. I don’t want to be disappointed when I finally know how a friend really sees me. I don’t want to think that someone really close to me doesn’t really understand me. Another reason is I might not like that person. I don’t like myself o I might not like that person, too.  I do love myself but I just don’t like myself. I’m okay with who and what I am but I  also find myself annoying. I would only get lonely if I get annoyed at someone they say is a lot like me. One more reason is I feel a lit bit or maybe too much pressure trying to get along with that person. People would expect us to get along easily because were a lot alike but I don’t think it always work that way. Right now, that’s all the reasons I could think of.

I’ve already met a few people who they said was like me. I think they’re fine but I never really saw myself in any of them. Maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe it’s hard to find ourselves within us or in other people. Maybe it’s because most of the time I am confused and don’t really know myself. I haven’t been really disappointed with those whom I’ve already met but I’m still afraid that it might happen.

Meeting new people is a really nice thing. That’s something I also believe in even though I’m not really good at making new friends. Some people say that I’m friendly and easy to get along with but every time I try to make new friends, I’m struggling. I can’t explain to anybody how hard it is. I can’t even explain in writing how hard I’m struggling. I like people but that doesn’t mean I find it easy talking to strangers or to the new ones around me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m human. I find humans amazing, puzzling, scary and most of all, humans are curious creatures. I’m also human but I’m still filled with wonder. I wonder what’s wrong with me.

Someday, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop trying to be nice. And when someone close to me wants me to meet someone who she/he thinks is a lot like me, maybe I’ll say something so they’ll understand that I might not talk to that person.

Anxiety on the So-Called ‘Real World’

It’s a big world and as we grow older, it gets smaller and bigger at the same time.

Sometimes,  I think it gets bigger because the things  I didn’t use to have access are now accessible; the things that used to be so far away are now closer; our old refrigerator used to be taller than me and now I’m taller than it. Sometimes, the world seems bigger when I look at the things that I haven’t experienced, the places I’ve never been into, the food I haven’t tasted, and the things I still don’t have access to. So the world, how it looks like, depends on how you look at it. There are a lot of angles but I think, for every person, there’s one best angle to look at life and the world—it’s looking at the world in your best self.

Nobody’s their best self yet. I don’t know if anyone will ever be because life is a continuous journey where we keep on growing and learning. That means we get better as time goes by if we’re on the right track. So how can a person look at the world in his/her best self? Maybe a person is at his/her best self when he/she is doing what he/she loves and is being true to his/her self, when there are doubts but more clarity, when there is loneliness but more happiness, and when you haven’t reached all your goals but you have high hopes that you’ll get there. So, I noticed that I’m talking as if I’m an expert here. Well, I know I’m not and I can’t say that I’m in my best self honestly, I am, again, in the period where I’m a little bit too anxious about the future because I’m not yet sure if I’ll land in the place I want to be in. Nobody knows what the future really holds but we all hope that it will be great. But life isn’t always great. I think we all know that and that sometimes, life sucks. But those terrible times help us appreciate the good times even more.

Why am I even talking about these things and why did I say that I hope I’ll land in the place where I want to be in? Well, the person talking here is graduating this April and can now start looking for a job. I’ll be entering what they call the ‘real world’. I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in being anxious. Doubt is sitting beside me most of the time. The ‘real world’ sounds exciting and scary. Finally, I can focus on doing what I love and what I’m good at, but what if I’m not good enough? All those typical questions keep visiting my head. I feel a step closer to the ‘real world’ just by thinking of it and as graduation gets closer, the pressure grows stronger.

It’s been a long time now and I still have this wish that remains a wish. I’ve been wishing to have more self-confidence. If I had it early on, maybe, I might have done things a bit better. I don’t regret anything in my life but if I could go back in time and have a chance to talk to my younger self, I’d tell her to believe in herself even more though not a lot of people believes in you or though not a lot of people will believe in you.  Maybe I’d praise myself a little bit, too. Everybody needs to hear encouraging words sometimes. I know it’s better to show our love and support through actions but sometimes, people need to hear it, too. That’s why I’ll praise myself a little bit if I could go back in time. I remember that the few praises I heard when I was in fourth year high school encouraged me to take this road where I’m at.

Good words coming from other people are better but I guess, we should also praise ourselves sometimes ‘cos it helps.

Dot

I think I saw a dot in the picture,

I zoomed it in and it was just me,

It was just me,

Just me, nothing special about it.

I wondered and wondered,

I recalled a lot of memories,

I dug out things from ages ago,

And some from just a while ago.

What did I found?

What did I see?

A simple dot, a little me,

Not younger, just smaller.

After thinking about it,

I guess it doesn’t matter,

If I was bigger or smaller,

I know I’m still part of the picture.