Why Not Take the Time to Just Observe?

I noticed I don’t make new friends anymore. I think I know why. I’m tired of people who want me to tell them everything about me to get to know me. I’m not good at speaking. I like people who get to know me by what they see in me now and what they notice when I talk, how I react, how I respond to things, how I do things. I get anxious every time I hear someone say, “Tell me about yourself” or “Sooooo what are the things you like?” I always take my time getting to know people and I like people who do the same. You can’t really know a person in one sitting. You can’t even say you know one so well even if you’ve known each other for years. I like people who constantly pay attention because people do change over time.
Hm. Why am I posting this? I myself am not very good at getting to know people. I’m not even good at reading facial expressions (made me think once that I’m a sociopath. Hahaha. But I’m not. No worries) and body language. I’m just saying this because I think human beings need to pay more attention to human beings. We’re all the same yet we’re all different and vice versa. I think it’s only when you constantly observe people that you can see the sadness hidden in the eyes of a clown.

The Anxiety of Meeting Someone like Yourself

When people say that I should talk to someone ‘cause they’re sure we’d get along, I feel anxiety instead of excitement. I think being excited is the ‘normal’ reaction. It is, isn’t it? But I just can’t help but be nervous that sometimes I’d be glad to miss the chance to meet that person.

To try to understand myself, I wrote this. Writing is usually my way of trying to understand myself. I do it more often than consulting or talking to other people. As I’m writing this, I slowly begin to come up with reasons why I’m anxious when I might meet someone they say is a lot like me. One of the reasons I thought of is: it’ll let me know how someone close to me sees me. He/she wouldn’t say that that person he/she wants me to meet is a lot like me if he/she doesn’t see me in that person. I’m afraid that I might meet someone whom I don’t think is just like me. I don’t want to be disappointed when I finally know how a friend really sees me. I don’t want to think that someone really close to me doesn’t really understand me. Another reason is I might not like that person. I don’t like myself o I might not like that person, too.  I do love myself but I just don’t like myself. I’m okay with who and what I am but I  also find myself annoying. I would only get lonely if I get annoyed at someone they say is a lot like me. One more reason is I feel a lit bit or maybe too much pressure trying to get along with that person. People would expect us to get along easily because were a lot alike but I don’t think it always work that way. Right now, that’s all the reasons I could think of.

I’ve already met a few people who they said was like me. I think they’re fine but I never really saw myself in any of them. Maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe it’s hard to find ourselves within us or in other people. Maybe it’s because most of the time I am confused and don’t really know myself. I haven’t been really disappointed with those whom I’ve already met but I’m still afraid that it might happen.

Meeting new people is a really nice thing. That’s something I also believe in even though I’m not really good at making new friends. Some people say that I’m friendly and easy to get along with but every time I try to make new friends, I’m struggling. I can’t explain to anybody how hard it is. I can’t even explain in writing how hard I’m struggling. I like people but that doesn’t mean I find it easy talking to strangers or to the new ones around me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m human. I find humans amazing, puzzling, scary and most of all, humans are curious creatures. I’m also human but I’m still filled with wonder. I wonder what’s wrong with me.

Someday, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop trying to be nice. And when someone close to me wants me to meet someone who she/he thinks is a lot like me, maybe I’ll say something so they’ll understand that I might not talk to that person.