Anxiety on the So-Called ‘Real World’

It’s a big world and as we grow older, it gets smaller and bigger at the same time.

Sometimes,  I think it gets bigger because the things  I didn’t use to have access are now accessible; the things that used to be so far away are now closer; our old refrigerator used to be taller than me and now I’m taller than it. Sometimes, the world seems bigger when I look at the things that I haven’t experienced, the places I’ve never been into, the food I haven’t tasted, and the things I still don’t have access to. So the world, how it looks like, depends on how you look at it. There are a lot of angles but I think, for every person, there’s one best angle to look at life and the world—it’s looking at the world in your best self.

Nobody’s their best self yet. I don’t know if anyone will ever be because life is a continuous journey where we keep on growing and learning. That means we get better as time goes by if we’re on the right track. So how can a person look at the world in his/her best self? Maybe a person is at his/her best self when he/she is doing what he/she loves and is being true to his/her self, when there are doubts but more clarity, when there is loneliness but more happiness, and when you haven’t reached all your goals but you have high hopes that you’ll get there. So, I noticed that I’m talking as if I’m an expert here. Well, I know I’m not and I can’t say that I’m in my best self honestly, I am, again, in the period where I’m a little bit too anxious about the future because I’m not yet sure if I’ll land in the place I want to be in. Nobody knows what the future really holds but we all hope that it will be great. But life isn’t always great. I think we all know that and that sometimes, life sucks. But those terrible times help us appreciate the good times even more.

Why am I even talking about these things and why did I say that I hope I’ll land in the place where I want to be in? Well, the person talking here is graduating this April and can now start looking for a job. I’ll be entering what they call the ‘real world’. I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in being anxious. Doubt is sitting beside me most of the time. The ‘real world’ sounds exciting and scary. Finally, I can focus on doing what I love and what I’m good at, but what if I’m not good enough? All those typical questions keep visiting my head. I feel a step closer to the ‘real world’ just by thinking of it and as graduation gets closer, the pressure grows stronger.

It’s been a long time now and I still have this wish that remains a wish. I’ve been wishing to have more self-confidence. If I had it early on, maybe, I might have done things a bit better. I don’t regret anything in my life but if I could go back in time and have a chance to talk to my younger self, I’d tell her to believe in herself even more though not a lot of people believes in you or though not a lot of people will believe in you.  Maybe I’d praise myself a little bit, too. Everybody needs to hear encouraging words sometimes. I know it’s better to show our love and support through actions but sometimes, people need to hear it, too. That’s why I’ll praise myself a little bit if I could go back in time. I remember that the few praises I heard when I was in fourth year high school encouraged me to take this road where I’m at.

Good words coming from other people are better but I guess, we should also praise ourselves sometimes ‘cos it helps.

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One Great Fear

I’ve always wondered if I’m actually afraid of the future.

When I was younger I was afraid of getting old. I hated the thought of being misunderstood by younger people because of the way I speak and think differently. I also don’t want to be the kind of old person who misunderstands the young because she’s already forgotten how it is like to be young. I don’t want to end up like those people who are annoying, forgetful and tells the same stories again and again. I think I was in high school when I still had that fear. Now that I’m already 20 years old, I no longer have that fear. It’s like I’m getting old yet forever young. It’s probably because I realized a lot of things as I am growing older so got over that fear. I realized that it doesn’t matter if I keep getting older, as we are all supposed to, because I’m enjoying my youth. I’m living my life, like really living it. I’m not just existing. I’m cherishing the existence. If I ever really get to be like those old people who are annoying and forgetful, I wouldn’t mind ‘cos that’s probably how things really work for some.

I’m already over that fear but I don’t yet know if my fear of the future is for real. Sometimes, when I try to think of what I’ll be, like, five years from now, I don’t have a clear vision of what I will be like. That’s frightening for me and I guess, it’s the same for most people because if you don’t really know where you’re going then you might get lost. There are things I want to do and I’m afraid that I might not be able to do them in the future. That is one of my greatest fears—not doing what I love because I ended up in a career that I don’t really love.

I was watching the movie “Begin Again” when I realized I have that fear. In the movie, Dan is unemployed and doesn’t have money to record and produce the music of is newfound artist, Gretta, but they found a way and did what they love anyway. I liked that. I like people who do what they love to do no matter what. I want to be like that and I’m afraid that I won’t be like that. That’s why I think I’m afraid of the future. Nobody knows what it holds. But what can we do? What can I do? I think when you’re not really sure if you’ll get to where you want to be is to be yourself and keep doing what you love and then if you deserve it, you’ll get to that place. I know that sounds way too simple but I’m aware that it’s not that simple. Well, I don’t like complicating things.

Even after writing all that, I still don’t know if I really fear the future. I guess as I keep living, I’ll learn things that’ll help me get over that fear like how I got over my fear of getting old. If I really lose that fear then I’ll let you know and I hope you conquer your own fears, too.