Kung Minsan

Paminsan-minsan ayoko ng magsulat. Ayoko ng lumabas. Ayoko ng makipag-usap kahit kanino. Ayoko ng kumain. Gusto ko na lang matulog kahit hindi ako makatulog. Ayoko na.

May mga pagkakataon na gusto ko ng humingi ng tulong. Paano ba? Bakit pati paghingi ng tulong hindi ko alam? Kanino ba? Kanino ba ko hihingi ng tulong? Matutulungan ba niya kong talaga? Kailangan ko ba talaga ng tulong? Wag na nga. Lilipas rin naman to. Masyado ko lang binibigyan ng pansin ‘yong mga di magagandang na naiisip ko at nasa paligid ko. Mali kasi ang pinagtutuunan ko ng pansin.

Lilipas ang ilang araw o linggo, ayos na ko. Tapos ayan na naman. Para bang ‘yong kalungkutan na ‘yon eh nasa paligid lang. Naghihintay ng pagkakataon para kalabitin ulit ako. Pagharap ko yayakapin na niya ko. Maya-maya umiiyak na naman ako. Mapa sa kalsada man yan, sa jeep, sa bus, sa opisina, sa CR, sa mall, sa tren, walang pinipili. Pag niyakap na niya ko kusa na kong namamaluktot. Tapos may mangyayari na kahit papano makakapagpaalis sa kalungkutan na depresyon na yata. Pero kahit di na niya ko yakap, nakaakbay naman siya. Sa pinalamaliliit na bagay ayan at nakayakap agad siya. Nakakapagod na. Hindi ko na alam. Kalungkutan ba talaga to o gawa-gawa ko lang siya? Siya ba talaga ang yumayakap sa kin o ako ang nakakapit sa kaniya? Halos siya na lang ang nakikita ko at nawawalan na mg saysay ang lahat.

Ayoko ng magsulat. Ayoko ng bumangon. Ayoko ng makisalamuha sa kahit kanino. Madadamay lang sila sa kalungkutan ko. Ayoko ng lumabas. Ayoko na sa sarili ko. Kung makakatulog man ako, sana sobrang himbing na, ‘yong wala ng gisingan.


Live the Dream or Live in a Dream

When you’re young and you act younger, it kind of feels like growing up is torture or a surprise that you know is coming yet you get surprised anyway. At least that’s how I felt and must still be feeling until now. I still wonder when I will grow up. Some time ago I decided I don’t want to. Sometimes I cry ‘cause I feel I have to.

Years ago, I thought that if I get to live my dreams then I wouldn’t mind growing up and getting old. If I get to fulfill my dreams then things will be, somehow, easier. Also, years ago, I thought I can bear it if things don’t turn out the way I want them to be. It’s not that I can’t bear it today but I always have these questions. I carry doubt in my backpack, in my pocket, in my purse and in my soul. I’m not living my dreams but I know I can still get to where I want to be someday but now I wonder if it’s still where I’m headed. It’s as if I’m staring in a terribly beautiful sea that will swallow me. I’m drowning in my own anxiety and stupidity. I try to make myself feel better by listening to music, singing, drawing, reading, writing, playing my guitar and believing that we are all just living in a dream. Things are not what they seem so if something seems so bad, it might not be really as bad as what you think. We’re living in a dream and in dreams, anything can happen. Things may seem weird and doesn’t seem to make sense sometimes when you’re dreaming but that’s just how some things are—they’re not going to make sense when they don’t want to make sense yet. In the end, not everything matters so it’s okay if not everything makes sense, right? If I’m wrong then don’t believe me. I don’t always believe myself by the way. Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m saying. It’s like I’m half-awake and half-asleep and maybe because it’s true that we’re all dreaming. One day we’ll wake up and face all the consequences of the real world. Now I’m thinking that when you’re young, you’re still dreaming and you have to wake up when you grow up. I have to wake up but it doesn’t mean I want to. And maybe that’s my problem. I really don’t know how to solve this. But I know somewhere out there someone feels almost the same.

Right now, all I can do is write this stupid thing and believe everything will be better. I’m not living my dreams yet but I’m still okay. If things are “just okay,” then it means it can get worse or better. Of course it’s also up to me if I’ll choose the path that leads to better days. So right now, I’ll just live in a dream. I don’t mind if you don’t agree with me. Don’t human beings like disagreeing and saying everything they want to say just because they feel like it? I can do that too. If you really, strongly disagree with me, you can comment and say what you want to say. Who knows? Maybe you’ll change my mind a bit. I believe that human beings know when they are wrong but they have to hear other people tell them that they’re wrong to believe and accept that they’re wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being wrong sometimes as long as we learn.

I want to learn but I have to write first and sometimes cry. I’m that stupid and stubborn. I’m okay with it. My optimism just got lost somewhere in my dreams and I’m looking for it. I guess I have to wake up when I’ve found it. Or if I don’t find it, I hope that at least I’ll discover something about this life that’ll make me want to wake up, get up and live the dream. Maybe I’m just effing lazy.

The Anxiety of Meeting Someone like Yourself

When people say that I should talk to someone ‘cause they’re sure we’d get along, I feel anxiety instead of excitement. I think being excited is the ‘normal’ reaction. It is, isn’t it? But I just can’t help but be nervous that sometimes I’d be glad to miss the chance to meet that person.

To try to understand myself, I wrote this. Writing is usually my way of trying to understand myself. I do it more often than consulting or talking to other people. As I’m writing this, I slowly begin to come up with reasons why I’m anxious when I might meet someone they say is a lot like me. One of the reasons I thought of is: it’ll let me know how someone close to me sees me. He/she wouldn’t say that that person he/she wants me to meet is a lot like me if he/she doesn’t see me in that person. I’m afraid that I might meet someone whom I don’t think is just like me. I don’t want to be disappointed when I finally know how a friend really sees me. I don’t want to think that someone really close to me doesn’t really understand me. Another reason is I might not like that person. I don’t like myself o I might not like that person, too.  I do love myself but I just don’t like myself. I’m okay with who and what I am but I  also find myself annoying. I would only get lonely if I get annoyed at someone they say is a lot like me. One more reason is I feel a lit bit or maybe too much pressure trying to get along with that person. People would expect us to get along easily because were a lot alike but I don’t think it always work that way. Right now, that’s all the reasons I could think of.

I’ve already met a few people who they said was like me. I think they’re fine but I never really saw myself in any of them. Maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe it’s hard to find ourselves within us or in other people. Maybe it’s because most of the time I am confused and don’t really know myself. I haven’t been really disappointed with those whom I’ve already met but I’m still afraid that it might happen.

Meeting new people is a really nice thing. That’s something I also believe in even though I’m not really good at making new friends. Some people say that I’m friendly and easy to get along with but every time I try to make new friends, I’m struggling. I can’t explain to anybody how hard it is. I can’t even explain in writing how hard I’m struggling. I like people but that doesn’t mean I find it easy talking to strangers or to the new ones around me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m human. I find humans amazing, puzzling, scary and most of all, humans are curious creatures. I’m also human but I’m still filled with wonder. I wonder what’s wrong with me.

Someday, maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop trying to be nice. And when someone close to me wants me to meet someone who she/he thinks is a lot like me, maybe I’ll say something so they’ll understand that I might not talk to that person.

Anxiety on the So-Called ‘Real World’

It’s a big world and as we grow older, it gets smaller and bigger at the same time.

Sometimes,  I think it gets bigger because the things  I didn’t use to have access are now accessible; the things that used to be so far away are now closer; our old refrigerator used to be taller than me and now I’m taller than it. Sometimes, the world seems bigger when I look at the things that I haven’t experienced, the places I’ve never been into, the food I haven’t tasted, and the things I still don’t have access to. So the world, how it looks like, depends on how you look at it. There are a lot of angles but I think, for every person, there’s one best angle to look at life and the world—it’s looking at the world in your best self.

Nobody’s their best self yet. I don’t know if anyone will ever be because life is a continuous journey where we keep on growing and learning. That means we get better as time goes by if we’re on the right track. So how can a person look at the world in his/her best self? Maybe a person is at his/her best self when he/she is doing what he/she loves and is being true to his/her self, when there are doubts but more clarity, when there is loneliness but more happiness, and when you haven’t reached all your goals but you have high hopes that you’ll get there. So, I noticed that I’m talking as if I’m an expert here. Well, I know I’m not and I can’t say that I’m in my best self honestly, I am, again, in the period where I’m a little bit too anxious about the future because I’m not yet sure if I’ll land in the place I want to be in. Nobody knows what the future really holds but we all hope that it will be great. But life isn’t always great. I think we all know that and that sometimes, life sucks. But those terrible times help us appreciate the good times even more.

Why am I even talking about these things and why did I say that I hope I’ll land in the place where I want to be in? Well, the person talking here is graduating this April and can now start looking for a job. I’ll be entering what they call the ‘real world’. I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in being anxious. Doubt is sitting beside me most of the time. The ‘real world’ sounds exciting and scary. Finally, I can focus on doing what I love and what I’m good at, but what if I’m not good enough? All those typical questions keep visiting my head. I feel a step closer to the ‘real world’ just by thinking of it and as graduation gets closer, the pressure grows stronger.

It’s been a long time now and I still have this wish that remains a wish. I’ve been wishing to have more self-confidence. If I had it early on, maybe, I might have done things a bit better. I don’t regret anything in my life but if I could go back in time and have a chance to talk to my younger self, I’d tell her to believe in herself even more though not a lot of people believes in you or though not a lot of people will believe in you.  Maybe I’d praise myself a little bit, too. Everybody needs to hear encouraging words sometimes. I know it’s better to show our love and support through actions but sometimes, people need to hear it, too. That’s why I’ll praise myself a little bit if I could go back in time. I remember that the few praises I heard when I was in fourth year high school encouraged me to take this road where I’m at.

Good words coming from other people are better but I guess, we should also praise ourselves sometimes ‘cos it helps.