The crow still sings.
Dances in glee.
The crow still sings.
Dances in glee.
I haven’t posted anything for a very long time. I planned a comeback post so many times. I even wrote some but I didn’t find them good enough. Then last night I was feeling really lazy. Yet I opened Word and typed whatever comes out based on a title that popped into my head. I don’t think what I’ve written is very good but I really missed writing like that so this morning I posted it. Finally, I made it back here. Hopefully I can continue decluttering my mind through writing again. That means there are going to be more mess in here. I’m just glad to be back so I’m welcoming myself.
Most of the time
I don’t go to the left or the right
I don’t know where to go
But I can go zigzagging if I like
I can be like a falling leaf
Getting carried by the wind
Goes wherever it will take me
Free to go that way
Then at the rarest times
When eyes are watching
Their ears exposed
And mouths are waiting for their chance
I choose between the left and the right
It’s lucky when there’s another way
I’d go for that
Free to get carried away
Free to go my own way
Both ways can hurt
Whether I’m going with the wind
Or at the direction of my own feet
I know I have to be ready
To stand up
For whatever choice I make
Coz I know
I can never go back
Sometimes I pause
Rest for a while
Or for a very long time
Coz sometimes making a choice
Or a decision
That’s how it is
When you’re born in the middle
And stayed in the middle
I wouldn’t know how to get to you
But if somehow
You really want to be close
Meet me in the middle
Maybe I’ll meet you half-way
Or we can go on our own ways
When you’re young and you act younger, it kind of feels like growing up is torture or a surprise that you know is coming yet you get surprised anyway. At least that’s how I felt and must still be feeling until now. I still wonder when I will grow up. Some time ago I decided I don’t want to. Sometimes I cry ‘cause I feel I have to.
Years ago, I thought that if I get to live my dreams then I wouldn’t mind growing up and getting old. If I get to fulfill my dreams then things will be, somehow, easier. Also, years ago, I thought I can bear it if things don’t turn out the way I want them to be. It’s not that I can’t bear it today but I always have these questions. I carry doubt in my backpack, in my pocket, in my purse and in my soul. I’m not living my dreams but I know I can still get to where I want to be someday but now I wonder if it’s still where I’m headed. It’s as if I’m staring in a terribly beautiful sea that will swallow me. I’m drowning in my own anxiety and stupidity. I try to make myself feel better by listening to music, singing, drawing, reading, writing, playing my guitar and believing that we are all just living in a dream. Things are not what they seem so if something seems so bad, it might not be really as bad as what you think. We’re living in a dream and in dreams, anything can happen. Things may seem weird and doesn’t seem to make sense sometimes when you’re dreaming but that’s just how some things are—they’re not going to make sense when they don’t want to make sense yet. In the end, not everything matters so it’s okay if not everything makes sense, right? If I’m wrong then don’t believe me. I don’t always believe myself by the way. Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m saying. It’s like I’m half-awake and half-asleep and maybe because it’s true that we’re all dreaming. One day we’ll wake up and face all the consequences of the real world. Now I’m thinking that when you’re young, you’re still dreaming and you have to wake up when you grow up. I have to wake up but it doesn’t mean I want to. And maybe that’s my problem. I really don’t know how to solve this. But I know somewhere out there someone feels almost the same.
Right now, all I can do is write this stupid thing and believe everything will be better. I’m not living my dreams yet but I’m still okay. If things are “just okay,” then it means it can get worse or better. Of course it’s also up to me if I’ll choose the path that leads to better days. So right now, I’ll just live in a dream. I don’t mind if you don’t agree with me. Don’t human beings like disagreeing and saying everything they want to say just because they feel like it? I can do that too. If you really, strongly disagree with me, you can comment and say what you want to say. Who knows? Maybe you’ll change my mind a bit. I believe that human beings know when they are wrong but they have to hear other people tell them that they’re wrong to believe and accept that they’re wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being wrong sometimes as long as we learn.
I want to learn but I have to write first and sometimes cry. I’m that stupid and stubborn. I’m okay with it. My optimism just got lost somewhere in my dreams and I’m looking for it. I guess I have to wake up when I’ve found it. Or if I don’t find it, I hope that at least I’ll discover something about this life that’ll make me want to wake up, get up and live the dream. Maybe I’m just effing lazy.
We all spend time trying to figure things out, finding ourselves, and trying to be content/successful. I’ve figured out some things in my life, I guess, I’ve tried to understand myself before but I don’t think I was successful with that.
I’ve stopped trying to understand myself. I’ve started trying to understand other people and it only makes me feel like an alien. I don’t even understand why I spend so much time trying to figure out other human beings or why humans act the way they do. I’ve spent so much time for that that I guess I’ve wasted some of my time. Today, I thought that maybe, the reason why I still don’t understand humans and why I have a hard time understanding their actions is because I don’t even understand myself. So maybe I have to go back to that. But then again, I’ll be wasting some time from too much thinking. I know that a person has to look at his/herself sometimes and judge herself instead of other people. I think there are points in our lives when we have to do that to know whether we have become better or to know the things we should do better. Isn’t that one of the reasons why we study history? I’m still pondering on self-evaluation though. How much time should we spend on it? How often should we do it? Sometimes I even wonder if it’s necessary. So while I am writing this, I haven’t actually figured these things out. Sometimes I write to figure things out but it doesn’t always work. It’s probably because there are things we’ll figure out after experiences that will make us better. Life’s the best teacher, right?
So I haven’t fully understood myself but I don’t want to worry all the time. There’s one thing I know that I know almost everyone knows and that’s nobody’s perfect. I’m not perfect but I’m fine and I don’t want to hate myself just because I have more flaws than other people. I’ll worry when the time to worry comes. Right now I want to free myself from one of the many sandbags that weigh me down.
Sometimes I worry that I am wrong about what I think at the moment like right now, I may be wrong about what I wrote. I am not an optimist but I’d like to think that I won’t be wrong forever. I’m not contented about everything in my life right now. That sounds like bad news but the good news is, I don’t want to be like that for the rest of my life. Now I feel a little bit better.
If there’s a place I can escape to, I’d like it to be Wonderland. When I think I’m going mad, I wish I’m in Wonderland.
I’ve always known about Alice in Wonderland. There’s this Alice in Wonderland cartoon that I loved watching when I was a kid. I’ve seen the movie Alice in Wonderland. The one where Alice is already 19 (when we watched the animated one, I was sick and fell asleep throughout the movie). I was already in college when I read the novel and I didn’t really like it the first time I read it. But I still got really interested. After a year or longer, I don’t know, I decided to read it again and that’s when I really fell in love with Alice in Wonderland. I was mad about Wonderland.
It’s hard to define what life is or describe what it’s about. All I know is sometimes it’s freaking tough and I think I might go crazy for real that I wish I’m in Wonderland instead. At least there, we’re all mad so things will seem normal and fine. For so many times I wished I’d see that white rabbit and I’ll act like a child, chase it like crazy and fall to that rabbit hole that’ll lead me to more of my madness and finally feel sane. But I not only want to be in Wonderland at times when it feels so hard living in this beautiful world. Sometimes, when I’m so happy or when I’m feeling very adventurous and bored about how there’s nothing much going on, I also wish I’d fall into that rabbit hole. I’d really rather fall into that rabbit hole than fall for someone.
As I am growing up and getting old, it seems that my spirit of adventure goes on a roller coaster ride that there are times it seems so high and twisted yet sometimes it dives down low–so fast that it feels like I must’ve left it there somewhere. If there’s a place where I can spend and waste all of that spirit, I want it to be in Wonderland. So if you know where it is, then tell me where that rabbit hole is. Please.
I’ve always thought that it’s really hard being human. There are times when I think humans are so complicated that I don’t want to get out of the house anymore. Now, that view has changed a little.
It took me along time to realize I should embrace being human and start to love myself even more. How I see other people is related to how I see myself. There are times when I tend to hate myself because of my many flaws though I know that every single person on earth has flaws. And at times when I feel like nobody understands me, I feel like an alien. Sometimes I’d like to think that I came from another planet. Before it was easier for me to judge other people. When I classified a person as ‘ordinary’, I tend to not bother getting to know that person. Back then, I thought that because I’m ordinary, I should meet extraordinary people. I’ve met a few people who proved me wrong. Those people made me realize that each of us holds stories that are worth hearing even by just a few or a single person.When I was younger, I thought those people who live a simple life always get by easily, that their rough times don’t last. I was proved wrong again. We all have our share of problems. We all handle it differently.
I am trying to embrace being human. But I guess sometimes I try too hard I forget to breathe. As of now I am trying to take it easy. Pain makes us human. Imperfections make us extraordinary.